I could measure my time in chapters of days with you
and days without
the story started long ago

this chapter is without
I know not its number
but it must have a 2 in it
it starts as I’m driving home after dropping you off

I can’t remember the song on the radio but it made me cry
Then there’s a week
(maybe 2)
when I cry often
and regain my
equilibrium
I sleep deeply
nap daily
I hold back because it all feels too much
my neck hurts to turn
backwards glancing at all that
beautiful amazing cloud-filled water
and my legs yell at me
from my right knee joint as if afraid
to walk forward

I declare
what I need to do
but don’t do it
Oh but wait
I remember now
now I look back and see
the way I walked anyway
why do I feel guilty for what I did and what I didn’t do at the same time?
for what I do and do not
for my voice and my silence equally
for who I am called to be
it is useless and profits me nothing

Then after stretching my arms
up
out
and pulling myself around
and down
and inside
I realize that I no longer need that guilt
I breathe in deeply
and my heels reach for the earth
one step at a time