This poem, for day 7 of NaPoWriMo, is a direct response to Rachel McKibbens’ Twitter post, here:

“What do you deserve? Name it. All of it. What are you ready to let go of? Name that too. Then name the most gentle gift for yourself. Name the brightest song your body’s ever held. Summon joy like you would a child; call it home. It wanders, yes. But it’s still yours.”

Why?
When I consider naming what I deserve
Does my diaphragm draw up
Pushing tears
Into the corners of my eyes.
I deserve a more joyful visceral response for my deepest longing

I keep thinking
I deserve a normal life
Where I pay my bills on time and drive a reliable car
But maybe what I actually deserve is the the kind of joyful-mess
That doesn’t cause me to squander my prayers
On such normalities

I let go of
Simultaneously thinking I am
Too small and incapable
And
Too big and important
To fail

I give myself
The gift of vulnerability
Unashamed
Arms stretched wide
Head back
The freedom to release my muscles
To the movements my soul has silently rehearsed
All these decades

I’m still awaiting
That brightest song
Its motifs whispered in morning birdsong
Children’s laughter
And small silent awakenings
I keep gathering up those notes

That song is brighter
It requires ears not made of flesh
And my longing to hear it
In itself brings joy
When I find that song
I will be home

So worth watching is the video of Rachel McKibbens also highlighted today on napowrimo.net, particularly if you or a loved one has experienced mental illness. It deserves sharing so here it is: